Allowing Forgiveness

It's been weeks since I've posted anything. All that pre-Christmas stress, I guess. I never realize how much it stresses me out, until it's all over, and I start coming back down to earth. Anyway, I wanted to post this reading that I did at my spiritual centre today. It started out as just a reflection about my last year, but Spirit had another idea. Spirit wanted me to write about how I learned to forgive my Dad. I had a very cathartic experience writing it, and reading it. I hope it is helpful for someone. As another year comes to an end, I find myself feeling reflective. Some years, as I look back, seem rather uneventful, even downright boring. But not this year. This one was very different; full of adventures and new experiences. This year I took risks, that I would have never thought possible, in my wildest dreams. For instance; ~ I began facilitating a group for people dealing with social anxiety. ~ I started a new job, in a totally new field. ~ I became a lot more adventurous with my singing, and even went outside my safe little comfort zone here, and sang in front of complete strangers….and I loved it!! ~ I took part in an art project, where I posed nude, for the first time ever…now that was a liberating experience! ~ And I even started a blog, where I write about my adventures and my thoughts. And though, these things were all amazingly wonderful, and believe me, they all were, there was something else that happened this year, that I could not have ever imagined, and in fact, I had pretty much given up on. This year, I found myself letting go of my anger towards my Dad, and I actually found myself feeling forgiveness for him. Believe me, when I say, I didn’t think that would ever happen. I’ve been angry at him forever, and if you knew my story, you would probably say that I was justified in that anger. But even so, it was killing me. And so, I would pray, over and over again, for some kind of resolution; and yet, I stayed angry. For years now, I’ve been trying to get my Dad to acknowledge his abusive behavior…towards me, my mom, and my siblings. But he wouldn’t, or maybe he couldn’t. Anyway, I finally felt I had no choice, but to let him go. So, I barely had contact with him, for most of 2008 & 2009, and let myself grieve the loss of him. That grieving took hold of my life, and it called out to be expressed. So…..I allowed myself to express it. Over and over again, in various ways. I talked about it, with my friends, until I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I cried a lot….and then I slept a lot. I would come to service here on Sundays, sometimes barely able to hold myself up, but because I knew that there were amazing people here, who would love and support me, through my pain…and they did. I would come to karaoke, and sing out my anger, time and time again, until there was no anger left to sing. And then, I would do it all again, the next time. On one particularly rough day for me, the day of the work party, I showed up. I knew I was in no shape to work, but my car just seemed to drive me here, knowing better than me, what I needed. I walked in, and there was Donna, and she took one look at me, gave me a hug, and the tears started flowing, and they flowed, and they flowed, and they flowed, for what seemed like hours, and all that time she held my hand, and comforted me, just like an angel. During all of this, I really felt like I was being held in the hands of God. I tell you all of this, because these things were what helped me to heal my heart, and let go of my anger, and to finally forgive my Dad. As I let my feelings come to the surface, and let them out, no longer stuffing them away, something started shifting in me. As I allowed others to love and support me, through my anger and my grief, my heart began to soften. I started to feel different. Lighter, happier, more joyful, and more loving. And that love started to fill all the places, in me, that had previously been holding all that anger, and it started bubbling up, and flowing out of me. Then I started to see my Dad differently. I started to really see the hurt little boy that he still was, and that he had never had a whole lot of people like you, filling him up with love, and then I started to feel compassion for him. And it felt soooo good to finally let go of that anger. To feel it leave my body, and fly out into the Universe. It felt like freedom. It still does. I finally understood what people meant when they say that forgiveness is for you…not for the other person. Then, another miracle started to happen. I started to see how my Dad had actually given me the most incredible gift. He gave me the reason, to have to search to the depths of my soul. And in that searching, I found what I was really made of. I found this incredible strength, I never knew I had. I found tenacity, and resilience, and courage, and so many other gifts, just waiting for me to acknowledge them. And that’s when I realized, that when I finally stopped focusing on getting something from my Dad, and started focusing on myself, instead, that I had everything I had needed all along. I had it all within me, just waiting to be acknowledged. How amazing is that! I will probably never have a real close relationship, with my Dad, but when I do see him now, I am quietly thankful and give thanks to him, for giving me the best gift ever. The gift of ME. Thanks for listening.

Baring It All...Just As I Am

This past summer, I had the opportunity to take part in an amazing photo/art project called "Just As I Am". It's the brainchild of Rodney & Sonya Braun, owners of Eve Studios, in Winnipeg. Here's a little blurb about the purpose of the project, "To create awareness of what regular human bodies look like, celebrate the beauty of the human form, and allow people to experience who they are when they have nothing to hide behind." Recently, Sonya sent out a message to all participants, to ask how their lives had changed, since being in the project. Below, is my reply to that question. Hi Sonya & Rodney, Thanks for the chance to share my experience since baring it all with your "Just As I Am" project. It has been a very profound experience for me, as I knew it would be. As soon as I heard about your project, I knew instantly, that I would be participating. It was that kind of knowing that comes from somewhere very mystical and magical. That part of me, that always knows what's best for me. And then, like usual, when my ego doesn't approve of my higher self's actions, a little debate started, that went kinda like this... "What are you thinking?" ... I'm thinking that I'm gonna do this.".... "Are you nuts?" ..."Maybe..maybe not."... "You mean to say, you're gonna let someone take your naked picture, and post it on a website, and put it in an art show, and totally let go of the rights?" ..."Yup, that's what I'm gonna do."... "You can't do that..for one, it's crazy, and for another, you are too fat and too ugly..don't you know, only pretty, thin people are allowed to do that...nobody wants to see you." ..."Maybe...maybe not...but I need to see me, and so I'm gonna do it." And there it was. I needed to see ME. I didn't totally understand that, at the time. And I didn't know how it would play out. I just knew, with absolute certainty, that this was gonna be a very profound experience. I still remember the drive to the studio that day, and thinking to myself, "Why don't you just do a private photo shoot? Why do something so public?" But, I knew why. I knew that this was my opportunity to stop living in shame, and it needed to be big. It needed to be bigger than my shame. Bigger than this self-loathing, that I've carried around forever. And I needed to have no way to turn back. Because I always turn back. I always return to that shame. But, not this time. This time, I was gonna make sure that the only direction to go, was forward. What a surprise the first time I saw my picture. It's not like I hadn't seen myself naked. I'm pretty much a nudist at home, so I often see myself naked. I knew what I looked like. But, something totally different happens, when you see yourself in a photo...naked, vulnerable...captured in a moment in time. You get to really see what others see. (or at least, what you think they see.) At first, all I could see was my big belly, and my fat legs, and I felt embarassed and angry at myself. How could I let myself get so big? I could have asked why, as well, but I knew why. I've always known why. Food has been my comfort...my protection...my way to keep all the bad memories stuffed neatly down. The memories that were too painful to acknowledge. The memories that have been screaming at me for a long, long time. On that day, I knew that I was finally ready to listen. Really listen...with my heart. I was finally strong enough, courageous enough, to hear the truth, that I had always known, deep inside me. And so, that has been my experience, my work, since being in the project. Coming to terms with what happened to me, long ago, and letting it go...finally. I used to think that remembering would kill me, but the opposite is actaully true. Remembering has set me free. Holding on was killing me. It's really such a relief to have those memories out of me...to let them have air...to let them float out, into the universe, and fly away. And it's an on-going process. Some days are really rough. And some days are blissful, beyond belief. The best part is that I'm starting to feel more whole, more alive, more authentic, and more worthy of love and goodness...and I hold on to that, on the hard days. And the anger is slowly fading. The anger that has been my steady companion, for a long time. In it's place, I'm starting to feel a sense of peace and calm, and sometimes, even forgiveness and gratitude. Gratitude for all the circumstances of my life, that have helped to shape me into the person, that I am today. I would not be this person, had it not all happened...and I'm starting to really like and appreciate ME. I still see the big belly and the fat legs, when I look at my picture...but, today, I have compassion for this body...this beautiful body that has carried me through so much, with grace and dignity. And I see other things. I see courage, and kindness...trust, and faith. I see the innocence of a little girl, and the determination of a strong woman. And I see the willingness to share myself, with the world....Just As I Am. Blessings, Robbin

And the heavens opened, and angels fell from the sky...

Angels are everywhere, if we just open our eyes, and allow ourselves to see them. I have a friend, who says she has never seen anyone, who has as much emotional support, in there life, as I do. And she's right. I am blessed with countless angels, in my life. I am so blessed...and I am so grateful. But, even though these angels are all around me, I still keep trying to do it all on my own. I'm always trying to be strong and tough, and hold it all together. But, sometimes, it just won't be held anymore, and the dam bursts open. Well, my dam burst today. It burst wide open. And the water flowed all around....and it flowed, and it flowed, and it flowed. And it just kept on flowing, until there was nothing left. Thank you, my beautiful angels...thank you for your tender loving care, and for creating a safe space for me, and for holding me up, so that I could let go. All is well. Blessings, Robbin

Renovation is messy stuff...

Day 2 of my blog...day 10 of this cold. Still laying low...still moving slow. It's funny how little things get really exciting when you're sick. The big excitement for me today was doing my laundry. Woohoo...I can wear my favorite underwear tomorrow, and tonight I get to slip into a fresh bed. Just thinking about it now, is putting a smile on my face. They seem like such simple things, and yet, at this moment, they mean the world to me. And yet, underneath all this quietness, I know that something really big is going on. It's like a major renovation is happening within. I know that my body is just facilitating a major letting go process, and physically helping me let go of a build up of old crap, that I've decided I can now release. So, I welcome it. I allow my body to help me let go of the toxic anger, that has surrounded my heart for so long. I release it to the universe, and I say thank you, as I feel my heart soften and open. All is good. Blessings, Robbin

The geese made me do it...

Sometimes I feel like the old bird woman from the Mary Poppins movie. A bag of birdseed, and a hungry flock of geese, and I'm in heaven...instantly connected to myself and the universe. It's like magic. My mind clears, my heart softens, and suddenly I'm able to hear the inner workings of my spirit. I didn't expect to see my feathered friends today. In fact, they would usually have all flown south by now. Lucky for me, we're having unseasonably warm weather for November. I really only meant to go out for a drive, a change of scenery, and a breath of fresh air. It's day 9 of this flu, and I just needed to see something else besides the TV, and this computer screen. But, I wasn't really surprised when my car found it's way to the park. Some part of me knew what I needed. But I was surprised by what happened next. Remember how I said that I can hear better, with the geese. It's true. I get all kinds of messages and wisdom, and ideas that are amazing and wonderful. And sometimes, I hear things that just seem plain crazy. Like today. Today, I heard "start a blog". And then, of course, I had that little conversation in my head that goes kinda like this, "What did you just say? Did you just say, start a blog. Why would I start a blog? What do I have to write about? Who would want to read my blog anyway? Are you crazy? I'm not starting a blog. About what? About my life? Right..people wanna read a blog about my life. I don't think so." Anyway, this went on for a while, as usual, when I'm feeling resistant and uncomfortable with what my higher self wants me to do., Well, that was a few hours ago, and you can see who won this one. So, I'm writing a blog. I have no idea why, or if anyone is interested in reading about me, and my adventures, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I'm gonna trust the geese. They have never led me wrong before. Blessings, Robbin !! P.S. I would also like to honor my Father here today, who is a World War II veteran. I haven't always been able to honor his bravery, because, for so long, I was really angry about the sacrifice that the rest of the family had to live with, because of what the war had taken away from him, and how it had hurt him. I'm not so angry anymore. He had no choice in the situation, and he did his duty with honor. I still do not believe in war, but I know that my Dad did what he had to at the time. Thanks Dad.