Allowing Forgiveness

It's been weeks since I've posted anything. All that pre-Christmas stress, I guess. I never realize how much it stresses me out, until it's all over, and I start coming back down to earth. Anyway, I wanted to post this reading that I did at my spiritual centre today. It started out as just a reflection about my last year, but Spirit had another idea. Spirit wanted me to write about how I learned to forgive my Dad. I had a very cathartic experience writing it, and reading it. I hope it is helpful for someone. As another year comes to an end, I find myself feeling reflective. Some years, as I look back, seem rather uneventful, even downright boring. But not this year. This one was very different; full of adventures and new experiences. This year I took risks, that I would have never thought possible, in my wildest dreams. For instance; ~ I began facilitating a group for people dealing with social anxiety. ~ I started a new job, in a totally new field. ~ I became a lot more adventurous with my singing, and even went outside my safe little comfort zone here, and sang in front of complete strangers….and I loved it!! ~ I took part in an art project, where I posed nude, for the first time ever…now that was a liberating experience! ~ And I even started a blog, where I write about my adventures and my thoughts. And though, these things were all amazingly wonderful, and believe me, they all were, there was something else that happened this year, that I could not have ever imagined, and in fact, I had pretty much given up on. This year, I found myself letting go of my anger towards my Dad, and I actually found myself feeling forgiveness for him. Believe me, when I say, I didn’t think that would ever happen. I’ve been angry at him forever, and if you knew my story, you would probably say that I was justified in that anger. But even so, it was killing me. And so, I would pray, over and over again, for some kind of resolution; and yet, I stayed angry. For years now, I’ve been trying to get my Dad to acknowledge his abusive behavior…towards me, my mom, and my siblings. But he wouldn’t, or maybe he couldn’t. Anyway, I finally felt I had no choice, but to let him go. So, I barely had contact with him, for most of 2008 & 2009, and let myself grieve the loss of him. That grieving took hold of my life, and it called out to be expressed. So…..I allowed myself to express it. Over and over again, in various ways. I talked about it, with my friends, until I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I cried a lot….and then I slept a lot. I would come to service here on Sundays, sometimes barely able to hold myself up, but because I knew that there were amazing people here, who would love and support me, through my pain…and they did. I would come to karaoke, and sing out my anger, time and time again, until there was no anger left to sing. And then, I would do it all again, the next time. On one particularly rough day for me, the day of the work party, I showed up. I knew I was in no shape to work, but my car just seemed to drive me here, knowing better than me, what I needed. I walked in, and there was Donna, and she took one look at me, gave me a hug, and the tears started flowing, and they flowed, and they flowed, and they flowed, for what seemed like hours, and all that time she held my hand, and comforted me, just like an angel. During all of this, I really felt like I was being held in the hands of God. I tell you all of this, because these things were what helped me to heal my heart, and let go of my anger, and to finally forgive my Dad. As I let my feelings come to the surface, and let them out, no longer stuffing them away, something started shifting in me. As I allowed others to love and support me, through my anger and my grief, my heart began to soften. I started to feel different. Lighter, happier, more joyful, and more loving. And that love started to fill all the places, in me, that had previously been holding all that anger, and it started bubbling up, and flowing out of me. Then I started to see my Dad differently. I started to really see the hurt little boy that he still was, and that he had never had a whole lot of people like you, filling him up with love, and then I started to feel compassion for him. And it felt soooo good to finally let go of that anger. To feel it leave my body, and fly out into the Universe. It felt like freedom. It still does. I finally understood what people meant when they say that forgiveness is for you…not for the other person. Then, another miracle started to happen. I started to see how my Dad had actually given me the most incredible gift. He gave me the reason, to have to search to the depths of my soul. And in that searching, I found what I was really made of. I found this incredible strength, I never knew I had. I found tenacity, and resilience, and courage, and so many other gifts, just waiting for me to acknowledge them. And that’s when I realized, that when I finally stopped focusing on getting something from my Dad, and started focusing on myself, instead, that I had everything I had needed all along. I had it all within me, just waiting to be acknowledged. How amazing is that! I will probably never have a real close relationship, with my Dad, but when I do see him now, I am quietly thankful and give thanks to him, for giving me the best gift ever. The gift of ME. Thanks for listening.