Laying Down My Sword

This sword and I have been through so much together. It's been my protector, my solace, my defender. It's sliced through so much garbage, to reveal the truth hidden beneath all the lies. It's taken me from a scared little girl, to a strong fearless warrior. It's given me back my life. It's given me back ME. It has served it's purpose well. I will forever be grateful.

And now, I want to lay my sword down. I want to let it go. I want to end this war. The last war that I'm still fighting. The war with my Dad. It's been long and it's painful, and it's time to bring it to an end.

And yet, as I say that, I really do not know how to do that, or what that looks like. I have tried many times, to put my sword down, with my Dad, and I always pick it back up. Maybe, I wasn't ready yet. Am I now? I'm certainly willing. The difference this time, may be that I am acknowledging that I don't know how to do this, and I'm asking the Universe to help me.

In the past, I do know I've given away my power to him, when I would continue to expect him to acknowledge my pain. He cannot do that. He will not do that. He's proved that many times. Today, I acknowledge my pain, and that is enough for me.

In the past, I also kept trying to get him to acknowledge the truth. The truth that I remembered. The truth that he had chosen to forget. It took me a long time to understand why I needed his acknowledgment. I didn't trust myself. I had lived so far away from myself, for so long, that I had no way to know how to trust myself.

But that has changed. I'm not that naive, timid, passive girl anymore. I've worked hard, and I'm a strong, assertive woman now. I live in my body. I live in my truth. I no longer need his words, to know what is true for me.

And maybe that is why I'm now ready, to lay my sword down. I no longer need anything from him. I have given myself what I needed. I have been my own best parent. And that may mean that I no longer have any need to have a relationship with him, or it may mean that I am able to have some kind of relationship with him. I honestly don't know at this moment. What I do know is that I want to cultivate peace in my heart, where there has been so much anger. I want to bask in this feeling, and let it radiate out from me.

Blessings,

Robbin

Emerging from the Cocoon...Again

I haven't written here for 3 months, and as I start to write, I kinda feel how a catholic must feel going into confession, after a long absence. Forgive me Creative Spirit, for I have abandoned you, once again. I've wanted to write...oh, how I've wanted to, but somehow I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I have cocooned myself, closed myself away. I know I've been doing important inner work, and now it's time to join the world again. And so, I must go back in time, to February 26, 2010. That was the day of the gallery exhibit opening for the "Just As I Am" project. That was the day that I let the world see me, just as I am. And what a glorious day it was! I felt like I was walking on air, and yet, at the same time, I felt more grounded than I ever have, in my lifetime. I had come home to myself. I was standing there, tall and proud, in my own skin, for all to see. What an amazing feeling. And that feeling carried on for days and days. It was like a really long celebration inside myself. I broke through so many barriers, in that time. I felt like I was being absolutely true to myself, and absolutely accepting of myself, and I noticed a wonderful new comfort with my physical being. I was more accepting of my body, and seemed to be living in it more. It was like nothing I had ever known. It was like heaven. And then, I slowly started to feel myself shutting down again...closing myself away. This has been my pattern forever...take a step forward, take a step back. And the bigger the step forward, the bigger the step back. And this was one giant leap forward, so why was I surprised? I know that the step back is really just a time to help myself incorporate what has transpired, and let go of something that I won't be needing on this next leg of the journey. And yet, these times always throw me off. I suppose the "happy girl" in me wants life to always be fun and carefree, but I know that carefree happens, by attending to what is right in front of me, wanting my attention. So, I followed my higher self, into that cocoon. I let myself really feel the feelings that were coming up. I allowed myself to go to places, in my heart and soul, that were scary and sad. I grieved, yet again, for that little girl, who didn't feel safe or accepted. I had no contact with my Dad, again, during this time. My little girl self needed to feel absolutely safe, so that I could allow these old feelings to come up. And, I see now, that she needed to know that she could trust the adult me, to keep her safe. Totally safe. She needed to know that when the chips are down, that I won't abandon her, like I've done so many times before. That I won't push her aside, and become the people pleaser, that I've often been, just so that people would like me, and think nice things about me. And there have been some very trying moments, during the last while, to help me learn this important lesson. Thank you, Universe, for putting the people and situations, in my path, that I needed, to help me work through this. I feel like I've come through it so much stronger, and I know that I've done great work towards building trust between me and my little girl. That is worth everything to me. This week, I've felt myself coming out of the cocoon. I know that a huge shift has taken place inside of me, and I'm excited to see what new adventures it brings with it. I'm excited to be more of the person, that I want to be...more of the person, that my little girl self, deserves from me. E.E. Cummings says, "It takes a lot of courage to grow up and become who you really are." I agree, and I would add, that it's worth it...well worth it.

Blessings,

Robbin