I haven't written here for 3 months, and as I start to write, I kinda feel how a catholic must feel going into confession, after a long absence. Forgive me Creative Spirit, for I have abandoned you, once again. I've wanted to write...oh, how I've wanted to, but somehow I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I have cocooned myself, closed myself away. I know I've been doing important inner work, and now it's time to join the world again.
And so, I must go back in time, to February 26, 2010. That was the day of the gallery exhibit opening for the "Just As I Am" project. That was the day that I let the world see me, just as I am. And what a glorious day it was! I felt like I was walking on air, and yet, at the same time, I felt more grounded than I ever have, in my lifetime. I had come home to myself. I was standing there, tall and proud, in my own skin, for all to see. What an amazing feeling. And that feeling carried on for days and days. It was like a really long celebration inside myself. I broke through so many barriers, in that time. I felt like I was being absolutely true to myself, and absolutely accepting of myself, and I noticed a wonderful new comfort with my physical being. I was more accepting of my body, and seemed to be living in it more. It was like nothing I had ever known. It was like heaven.
And then, I slowly started to feel myself shutting down again...closing myself away. This has been my pattern forever...take a step forward, take a step back. And the bigger the step forward, the bigger the step back. And this was one giant leap forward, so why was I surprised? I know that the step back is really just a time to help myself incorporate what has transpired, and let go of something that I won't be needing on this next leg of the journey. And yet, these times always throw me off. I suppose the "happy girl" in me wants life to always be fun and carefree, but I know that carefree happens, by attending to what is right in front of me, wanting my attention.
So, I followed my higher self, into that cocoon. I let myself really feel the feelings that were coming up. I allowed myself to go to places, in my heart and soul, that were scary and sad. I grieved, yet again, for that little girl, who didn't feel safe or accepted. I had no contact with my Dad, again, during this time. My little girl self needed to feel absolutely safe, so that I could allow these old feelings to come up. And, I see now, that she needed to know that she could trust the adult me, to keep her safe. Totally safe. She needed to know that when the chips are down, that I won't abandon her, like I've done so many times before. That I won't push her aside, and become the people pleaser, that I've often been, just so that people would like me, and think nice things about me. And there have been some very trying moments, during the last while, to help me learn this important lesson. Thank you, Universe, for putting the people and situations, in my path, that I needed, to help me work through this. I feel like I've come through it so much stronger, and I know that I've done great work towards building trust between me and my little girl. That is worth everything to me.
This week, I've felt myself coming out of the cocoon. I know that a huge shift has taken place inside of me, and I'm excited to see what new adventures it brings with it. I'm excited to be more of the person, that I want to be...more of the person, that my little girl self, deserves from me. E.E. Cummings says, "It takes a lot of courage to grow up and become who you really are." I agree, and I would add, that it's worth it...well worth it. Blessings,
Robbin
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