The Gift of Death......Sometimes Rebirth

Today is my sister Nancy's birthday.  She passed away many years ago, at the tender age of 17.  I was 12, at the time.  She had decided that she no longer wanted to be here, and she chose to end her life.  As you can imagine, it was a horribly traumatic experience, and one that forever altered my family and my life.

It took me a long time to come to terms with what she had done.  I was angry for a long time.  It wasn't until I had some maturity, and some spiritual awareness, that I could actually grieve for her, begin to forgive her, and then begin to see the gifts, that she offered me through this journey of pain.

They have been many.

Here is the gift of wisdom she offered me today. 

Live in the here and now...you can not bring the past into today.

You see, I have this little thing I like to do.  I always figure out how old she would be.  Today she would be 57.  And then, as I was thinking about that, and visualizing her, in my head, I realized that I could not see her as a 57 year old woman...and then it dawned on me.  She cannot and will not ever be 57.  She will always be 17.  I cannot bring her into the present, and make her 57.  She lives in my past.  That is where she will always be. 

And from that, I realized how much I do this.  I spend time daydreaming in this "what could have been" kind of fantasy world.  I do it in other areas of my life too.  I see that it's been my way to cope with situations, that have been so very painful to come to terms with.  And it's been a helpful and necessary way to cope.  It got me through a lot of tough times.  The trouble is, it keeps me stuck in the past, and from being able to live in the here and now.  To live in today.

This feels very powerful and important.  It feels like a big part of my getting more unstuck, and being able to move on and move forward.  I will be excited to observe my thoughts and feelings, over the next while, as this new awareness sinks in.

It feels very fitting, that her birthday happened to be on Easter Sunday.  I have often felt, that her death, was the impetus to push me to find my life.  And today, on this universal day of resurrection and rebirth, she has once again offered me insights, into my own life, so that I may live full and free.  She may not have walked this earth walk with me, into adulthood, but she continues to walk with me in spirit, and she will always walk in the walls of my heart.

Thank You Nancy!  Happy Birthday!  I Love You!
Blessings to you ♥