Letting Out The Monster ~ Part I

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My nights have been tormented with flashbacks of unsafe nights, and memories of deeds that should never happen to a little girl. I go through these periods from time to time. I wish they got easier, but they don't seem to.

Tonight I decided that I would start sleeping on the couch instead, since the bedroom was the place where a lot of icky stuff happened. So, I made my bed, on the couch, got my book, my booklight, my water, my lip balm, and I was set. Everything was cool. This would be good. And then I turned off the lights, and that familiar anxious feeling crept over me. That feeling that I wasn't safe. I read for quite a while, to try and relax myself, but every little noise made me jump, and increased my anxiety and fear.

Now, I know there really is nothing to be afraid of tonight. This is not the fear of a grown woman...this is the fear of a small child. A child who doesn't understand that it's now safe. I'm trying to show her that it is. That was why we were sleeping on the couch. I'm trying to work with her. but it didn't seem to be working.

Then I remembered the conversation I had, with my friend, Andrea earlier this evening. She was telling me about letting out the monsters, and of course, Andrea's way is always to draw it. But drawing scares me. I'm not an artist, by any means, and expressing my creativity is a very scary feat for me. But that's what I did.

I started with some smaller paper, and let my little girl do whatever she wanted, without my censorship. She made some pretty dark scribbly pictures, and it felt pretty good to be scribbling. I found some bigger paper, and she went to town, drawing me a picture of how she feels. What I get from this picture is that she is the bright shiny center, and that she feels lots of nasty darkness around her, trying to overtake her. There is also some lovely healing blue and green, coming in through that darkness, that is also finding it's way to her. Thank Goodness!

Yes, it is a very simple basic picture, and that's okay. It's a start, and it's been a long time coming. I've decided to get her some more big paper, and let her go to town. I've been letting her speak her voice more...now it's time to let her draw it out of her.

I realized something tonight. Moving to the couch, may have just been running away. Maybe I need to stop running, and let that monster out...give it some air, so it could dissipate. And it seems to have, for now...and I'm tired. Not sure if it's gonna be the couch or the bed...we'll make that decision together...her and I.

Blessings,

Robbin