Fly Little Grey Dove Fly

The happy couple, during the courtship phase, before the eggs were laid. Aaaahhhh...the freedom!

I had some very special houseguests this summer. Technically they were balcony guests. A most beautiful pair of pigeons, decided that my balcony was the perfect place to raise their family. I love all birds, but pigeons hold a very dear place in my heart. I was truly honored that they choose my home, to be their home, for a little while. You see, this wasn't the first time that pigeons had come into my life. Pigeons have been showing up, with powerful messages, for me, for a long, long time. I just didn't always understand.

The first time a pigeon came to me, I was only 8 years old. This pigeon was very near death, and in fact, did die, while I held it in my hands. I don't remember what the 8 year old me was feeling, at the time, but I do remember that there were unbearable things going on in my life. Things that I couldn't understand, and had no way to deal with, at that time. In hindsight, and with enlightened awareness, I now know that pigeon came to give me this message;

"Go to sleep, little one, go to sleep for a while. It's not safe now."

And so, part of me went to sleep. And I got through those years and that time of my life.

My next pigeon encounter would not happen for 30 years. I was staying at the Victoria Inn, which is what I call the Psych Ward at The Victoria Hospital. Great place for a little R&R! Seriously though, all that nasty stuff that I couldn't look at back when I was a child….well, it now wanted (and needed) to come out. You can well imagine, I was scared, overwhelmed, and so uncertain of what to do. One evening, I was doing a jigsaw puzzle, and thinking about how I would piece my life back together, when all of a sudden, I heard this loud noise against the window. I pulled the blind open, and there again, was a pigeon…. flapping its wings furiously, working very hard to get my attention. We sat watching each other for a long while that evening, and this time I heard the message, loud and clear.

"Wake up little one, wake up. It's safe now. It's time."

That was 13 years ago, and I've worked hard at waking up and remembering what I needed to remember, and feeling what I needed to feel, so that I could process it and let it go. It's hard work…there's no denying that. But it's worth it. So worth it.

So, you can imagine, when the pigeons showed up on my balcony late this summer, I was very excited, and very curious…and just a wee bit nervous. What kind of messages will they bring this time? I paid close attention, 'cause I didn't wanna miss a thing… and here is some of what they taught me.

The first message was....Don't assume that just because you haven't seen the male after the fun courtship and mating phase has ended, that he has disappeared. After some research, I discovered that the male pigeon actually sits on the eggs, in the daytime, (which is why I was no longer seeing him) and he also makes milk, to feed the young, just like the female. Total equal opportunity household! That's so cool. I didn't know that he was on the nest, in the daytime, because I couldn't actually see the nest. You see, it was behind a door, that was leaned up against the wall, at one end of my balcony, and I was actually afraid if I popped my head around the door to investigate, that a protective pigeon parent would fly into my face. Not good! So, I had to keep my nose out of their business. And that actually became part of the lesson.

Not everything is my business, and I don't have to be in charge of everything, for it to go smoothly. REALLY!

So, because I couldn't see the nest, and really had no idea what was going on back there, I had no choice but to trust that nature was taking its course, and that everything was happening just as it should. What I could do was educate myself about pigeons…which I did…and pay attention…which I did. I actually didn't even know if there were eggs back there. I just had to be patient, and wait. Not easy for me.

After what seemed like forever, one day I found a broken pigeon egg shell on my balcony.

I cried happy joyful tears.

But…I still couldn't see them, and I couldn't be certain that they had hatched….or if maybe a crow had had some lunch. Again, I waited and trusted.

It took another 2 weeks…and then one day, I heard the unmistakable squeaking of baby pigeons, at feeding time, and I finally knew there were real baby pigeons there…for sure.

I cried more happy joyful tears.

But, now the nights were getting pretty cool, and I worried it may be too cold for them to survive. Again, I waited… and I trusted… and I waited… and I trusted. And then, one glorious day, I finally saw them peek out from behind the door.

So many happy joyful tears.

Very soon after that, they jumped out of the nest, and they we were, standing face to face looking at each other…. checking each other out. How lovely to finally meet them, after all this time.

More happy joyful tears.

And then, in the days after that first meeting, I noticed that I never saw the parents anymore, and I was concerned that they had abandoned them. I contacted a wildlife rehabilitator, and she came to check them out. She assured me they were healthy and that the parents were staying away from the nest (but still close by), to encourage the young pigeons to start flying. I knew they could fly, because they took their first little flight, when she tried to pick them up. My job, she told me, was to not feed them, and to dismantle their nest, and to make my balcony an inhospitable place for them to be, so that they will leave and become independent. Apparently, young pigeons will become complacent if you make it too comfy cozy for them…the same as adult children…if you let them. This was tough to do, but I was learning to trust, and I figured that pigeons instinctively know what to do. After all, they've been doing it for a long time, without my help.

Over the next few days, I cleaned up lots of pigeon poop, and took away all signs of their nest. They watched me very curiously. We had lots of little chats over those few days. Often, they would stand right up close to the edge of my 11^th floor balcony, and look over, and I swear, I could feel their fear and trepidation… and I would assure them that it was all gonna be okay…. that if they just did it…if they just started flapping their wings a little, they would start flying. I told them that I knew they could do it. I told them how much I believed in them. I assured them there were so many grand adventures out there to take part in, and that there was a whole world just waiting for them to explore. During this time there was much wing flapping going on, on my part, and many choruses of "Fly little white dove fly" being sung. I'm sure it would have made for a great reality show called "Adventures of a Crazy Bird Lady".

Anyway, you know how the story ends…one day, they just flew away, and I haven't seen them since.

Lots of sad (yet happy and joyful) tears.

I trust that they are out there having grand adventures, and living their amazing pigeon lives. I'm happy to have shared my space with them, for a short while, and I feel like I helped them to have a good solid start in life. A start I wish I'd had. And I miss them….but really, I'm the lucky one. They brought me such joy and taught me so much about letting go and trusting.

~ Trusting that even when I can't see the whole picture, I can still believe that amazing wondrous things are happening.

~ Trusting that even when it feels scary looking over that edge, that it's all gonna be okay….I only have to take one step at a time.

~ Trusting that my wings will carry me wherever I need to go….to all sorts of grand adventures that are just waiting for me, out in the world. All I have to do is flap them a little.

And that was the message from my faithful pigeon friends this time;

"Trust little one. Trust. You've worked hard. It's time. Spread your wings and fly."

The babies, in the days before they flew away.

Letting Out The Monster ~ Part II

OMG!! I have the most wonderful news to share with you today. I shared here last night about how much trouble I've been having sleeping (it's all in my last post; Letting out the Monster ~ Part I). Well, after finishing that entry, and closing things down for the night, I was absolutely exhausted. My inner little girl and I thought about it, and decided that we would try sleeping in the bedroom, with the option to move to the couch, if we had to. No need!! I slept like a rock for 8 straight hours...in my bed!! No fear..no flashbacks..not even a bathroom break!! Woohoo!! I can't remember the last time I did that. What a glorious feeling to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. If I feel this great from one night of restful sleep, can you imagine how amazing I'm gonna feel, when I'm doing that every night. So, what was different? I listened to her...my scared little girl. I really listened to her. And I gave her space to let those feelings out...the dark scary feelings. I let her scream onto the paper, in whatever way she wanted. I didn't censor her. I didn't tell her she had to do things a certain way to please me. I just let her be...and when she had had enough of my time and attention...when she knew that I was really listening, and not pushing her away, she could finally rest. And that's just what we did. We slept the most peaceful of sleeps...like babies. So beautiful. Today, her and I are going to the craft store, to buy more big paper, and crayons. She is so happy...and I am so grateful. Blessings, Robbin

Letting Out The Monster ~ Part I

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My nights have been tormented with flashbacks of unsafe nights, and memories of deeds that should never happen to a little girl. I go through these periods from time to time. I wish they got easier, but they don't seem to.

Tonight I decided that I would start sleeping on the couch instead, since the bedroom was the place where a lot of icky stuff happened. So, I made my bed, on the couch, got my book, my booklight, my water, my lip balm, and I was set. Everything was cool. This would be good. And then I turned off the lights, and that familiar anxious feeling crept over me. That feeling that I wasn't safe. I read for quite a while, to try and relax myself, but every little noise made me jump, and increased my anxiety and fear.

Now, I know there really is nothing to be afraid of tonight. This is not the fear of a grown woman...this is the fear of a small child. A child who doesn't understand that it's now safe. I'm trying to show her that it is. That was why we were sleeping on the couch. I'm trying to work with her. but it didn't seem to be working.

Then I remembered the conversation I had, with my friend, Andrea earlier this evening. She was telling me about letting out the monsters, and of course, Andrea's way is always to draw it. But drawing scares me. I'm not an artist, by any means, and expressing my creativity is a very scary feat for me. But that's what I did.

I started with some smaller paper, and let my little girl do whatever she wanted, without my censorship. She made some pretty dark scribbly pictures, and it felt pretty good to be scribbling. I found some bigger paper, and she went to town, drawing me a picture of how she feels. What I get from this picture is that she is the bright shiny center, and that she feels lots of nasty darkness around her, trying to overtake her. There is also some lovely healing blue and green, coming in through that darkness, that is also finding it's way to her. Thank Goodness!

Yes, it is a very simple basic picture, and that's okay. It's a start, and it's been a long time coming. I've decided to get her some more big paper, and let her go to town. I've been letting her speak her voice more...now it's time to let her draw it out of her.

I realized something tonight. Moving to the couch, may have just been running away. Maybe I need to stop running, and let that monster out...give it some air, so it could dissipate. And it seems to have, for now...and I'm tired. Not sure if it's gonna be the couch or the bed...we'll make that decision together...her and I.

Blessings,

Robbin

Laying Down My Sword

This sword and I have been through so much together. It's been my protector, my solace, my defender. It's sliced through so much garbage, to reveal the truth hidden beneath all the lies. It's taken me from a scared little girl, to a strong fearless warrior. It's given me back my life. It's given me back ME. It has served it's purpose well. I will forever be grateful.

And now, I want to lay my sword down. I want to let it go. I want to end this war. The last war that I'm still fighting. The war with my Dad. It's been long and it's painful, and it's time to bring it to an end.

And yet, as I say that, I really do not know how to do that, or what that looks like. I have tried many times, to put my sword down, with my Dad, and I always pick it back up. Maybe, I wasn't ready yet. Am I now? I'm certainly willing. The difference this time, may be that I am acknowledging that I don't know how to do this, and I'm asking the Universe to help me.

In the past, I do know I've given away my power to him, when I would continue to expect him to acknowledge my pain. He cannot do that. He will not do that. He's proved that many times. Today, I acknowledge my pain, and that is enough for me.

In the past, I also kept trying to get him to acknowledge the truth. The truth that I remembered. The truth that he had chosen to forget. It took me a long time to understand why I needed his acknowledgment. I didn't trust myself. I had lived so far away from myself, for so long, that I had no way to know how to trust myself.

But that has changed. I'm not that naive, timid, passive girl anymore. I've worked hard, and I'm a strong, assertive woman now. I live in my body. I live in my truth. I no longer need his words, to know what is true for me.

And maybe that is why I'm now ready, to lay my sword down. I no longer need anything from him. I have given myself what I needed. I have been my own best parent. And that may mean that I no longer have any need to have a relationship with him, or it may mean that I am able to have some kind of relationship with him. I honestly don't know at this moment. What I do know is that I want to cultivate peace in my heart, where there has been so much anger. I want to bask in this feeling, and let it radiate out from me.

Blessings,

Robbin

Emerging from the Cocoon...Again

I haven't written here for 3 months, and as I start to write, I kinda feel how a catholic must feel going into confession, after a long absence. Forgive me Creative Spirit, for I have abandoned you, once again. I've wanted to write...oh, how I've wanted to, but somehow I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I have cocooned myself, closed myself away. I know I've been doing important inner work, and now it's time to join the world again. And so, I must go back in time, to February 26, 2010. That was the day of the gallery exhibit opening for the "Just As I Am" project. That was the day that I let the world see me, just as I am. And what a glorious day it was! I felt like I was walking on air, and yet, at the same time, I felt more grounded than I ever have, in my lifetime. I had come home to myself. I was standing there, tall and proud, in my own skin, for all to see. What an amazing feeling. And that feeling carried on for days and days. It was like a really long celebration inside myself. I broke through so many barriers, in that time. I felt like I was being absolutely true to myself, and absolutely accepting of myself, and I noticed a wonderful new comfort with my physical being. I was more accepting of my body, and seemed to be living in it more. It was like nothing I had ever known. It was like heaven. And then, I slowly started to feel myself shutting down again...closing myself away. This has been my pattern forever...take a step forward, take a step back. And the bigger the step forward, the bigger the step back. And this was one giant leap forward, so why was I surprised? I know that the step back is really just a time to help myself incorporate what has transpired, and let go of something that I won't be needing on this next leg of the journey. And yet, these times always throw me off. I suppose the "happy girl" in me wants life to always be fun and carefree, but I know that carefree happens, by attending to what is right in front of me, wanting my attention. So, I followed my higher self, into that cocoon. I let myself really feel the feelings that were coming up. I allowed myself to go to places, in my heart and soul, that were scary and sad. I grieved, yet again, for that little girl, who didn't feel safe or accepted. I had no contact with my Dad, again, during this time. My little girl self needed to feel absolutely safe, so that I could allow these old feelings to come up. And, I see now, that she needed to know that she could trust the adult me, to keep her safe. Totally safe. She needed to know that when the chips are down, that I won't abandon her, like I've done so many times before. That I won't push her aside, and become the people pleaser, that I've often been, just so that people would like me, and think nice things about me. And there have been some very trying moments, during the last while, to help me learn this important lesson. Thank you, Universe, for putting the people and situations, in my path, that I needed, to help me work through this. I feel like I've come through it so much stronger, and I know that I've done great work towards building trust between me and my little girl. That is worth everything to me. This week, I've felt myself coming out of the cocoon. I know that a huge shift has taken place inside of me, and I'm excited to see what new adventures it brings with it. I'm excited to be more of the person, that I want to be...more of the person, that my little girl self, deserves from me. E.E. Cummings says, "It takes a lot of courage to grow up and become who you really are." I agree, and I would add, that it's worth it...well worth it.

Blessings,

Robbin

Beauty of the Body...Courage of the Spirit

This week, I attended the private reception for all the participants, who had taken part in the "Just As I Am" project. A nude art project, showcasing the beauty of the human body, in all it's various forms. I was feeling pretty darn nervous, I must say. This project has been so huge for me. Life-changing and life-affirming. So, I wasn't about to let a little case of nerves, keep me away. Instead, I honored my feelings. All those feelings, that I've carried around for so long, that convinced me that I was ugly, and not worth looking at. Not worth treating with love and respect. By others, and by myself. It's been quite a journey, to get to the place, where I could even entertain the idea, that I may be telling myself a lie. That all the ugly stuff, that I believed, for so long, was just a misperception. A lie that I had formulated, to try and make sense of what had happened to me...and a protection, so that I wouldn't be further hurt. I somehow, thought, that if I made myself ugly, that I could protect myself, from the perpetrators of the world. That if I padded myself with a lot of protection, that I would be safe. What I didn't realize, is that the beauty of the human spirit, shines through, no matter what. We can't hide our perfection. We can try allright...and we certainly do. But, it always shines anyway. It always finds a way to burst through. It's up to us to see it, and to allow it to be. I have spent a lot of time, working on keeping myself, all wrapped up, in this lie of ugliness; this misperception of my truth. I could be angry and resentful for that. But why? I did what I needed to do, at the time...or what I thought I needed to do. Regardless, it was what kept me safe, until I could start to see the truth. It was my protection, and I'm gently letting go of that safety net, now. I am starting to embrace the beauty in my spirit...and in my body. The beauty that has been waiting all this time, for me to acknowledge it. I see it now. Blessings, Robbin

The Right to Safety

I heard about a survey today, that asked men and women about their greatest fear, when going on a blind date. I couldn't believe the answers. Women said they were most afraid of being raped, or even killed. And guess what men were most afraid of? Whether their date would find them attractive, or not. Can you believe that? Why is this possible? Why is this a reality? I don't know how accurate this survey was, or who it was done by, or any of that. But what I do know, is how it made me feel. Angry....very, very angry. I can't speak for men, because I'm not one, so I don't know how they feel; although, I'd be interested to know. And I can't even speak for other women. But, I can speak for myself, and right now, I need to do that. I need to let this anger have some airtime. I understand fearing for your safety. I understand it all too well. And I know what it's like to feel unsafe with men. I grew up with an unsafe father, and have known many more unsafe men, in my life. Too many. So maybe, my experience is not the norm. Maybe, my judgement is somewhat clouded. But, what if it's not. What if we are a society of women, who really are walking around, afraid of being brutalized by men. The very people, who are supposed to be our protectors, could, in a moment's notice, be our perpetrators. This is reality, and has been, for a long, long time. I could ask 'Why'... but I know there will be no explanation, that would appease my rage. So, instead, I ask...How do we change this? How do we create a society, where women, children, and men, feel safe enough, to let their guard down. And, is that even possible? Perhaps, it's just a fantasy, in my head. Perhaps, it's just the dream of one little girl, whose tired of working really hard to find safety, in a world that's often felt unsafe. And, maybe, little by little, the world is changing. I know that, today, I do have a few male friends, who I feel very safe with, and I do sense a shift, happening with men. I notice them getting softer, and more open to their feelings. I see them opening up, to a new way of living. It's a good thing, and it gives me real hope for the future. So, I think my dream may just be possible, after all. Feeling more hopeful, Robbin P.S. It was not my intent to inflict anger towards all the good men out there. This is not about you. Please know that I am eternally grateful for all the men, who are stepping up, and being positive, loving role models. You are such blessings. Thank you.

The Path of Dreams

Happy 2010 Everyone!! A new year... a new decade... and so many new possibilities!! I'm doing something totally different this year. I'm allowing myself to dream.....to dream big. I say, allowing, because dreaming was something, that I've had trouble letting myself do, in the past. I really didn't believe that they would actually come true, so what was the point. Better, to save myself the pain, and just not have any. And then, 2009 happened, and I found myself doing things, that I could have never imagined (see previous post, if you would like to see a short list of these things). At first, I thought these were just random events, and I was just taking the opportunities, that were being placed, in my path. Yes, I was taking the opportunities...but, were they just being placed randomly, or were they actually the culmination of my persistence and determination, to have a better life. In the past, I've tended to believe, that I was at the mercy, of the Universe, and just had to deal with whatever it put in my path. But, what if the Universe has always been answering my dreams, even when I couldn't dare to let myself articulate them? So, this year, I'm gonna actually start telling the Universe what I want, and who knows what will happen And so, I'm really excited, to be involved in my friend, Andrea's, Creative Dreamer project. Check out the link. It's going to be very exciting. I can just feel it. So, without further ado, here is my list of dreams....big and small, and everywhere, in between. Some are already happening, some, I know will happen this year, and others, may take a little longer...but it's all good, 'cause I know that life is full of possibilities, just waiting to happen... 1~ write and publish a book about my life..it's been quite a ride, and I have discovered that I touch people, when I share my story! 2~ travel to Mexico to see the Monarch butterflies! 3~ let go of my bedroom furniture, and get the furniture I really want! 4~ continue to share my story through public speaking! 5~ eat healthier more often! 6~ detoxify my body! 7~ restore my body to it's natural vibrancy! 8~ start a meditative dance group! 9~ welcome the love of my life, into my life! 10~travel around the continent, in a camper truck, with the love of my life! 11~be paid well for doing what I love! 12~forgive quicker! 13~let go of guilt! 14~tell the people that I love, how much they mean to me, more often! 15~take a hot air balloon ride! 16~and go hangliding! 17~and ride in a biplane! (can you tell I love the freedom of the open sky!! 18~go on a spa vacation in a beautiful warm country! 19~let go of needless worry & anxiety! 20~laugh more! 21~sleep like a peaceful baby! 22~sing onstage @ a sunday service! 23~be more of my true self more often! 22~be silly more often! 23~wear a sari! 24~accept compliments easy and graciously! 25~meditate daily! 26~do more readings @ my spiritual centre! 27~continue to write in my blog, openly and honestly! 28~believe in myself and my abilities more! 29~be more generous! 30~be more grateful! 31~dance more! 32~travel to Italy! 33~spend more time with Mom! 34~do more ramdom acts of kindness! 35~follow my instincts more! 36~share my gifts more openly! 37~let go of back pain, and all pain, for that matter! 38~get my passport, so I can go to Italy & Mexico, and lots of other places! 39~spend more time out in nature! 40~handle my prosperity in the best way! 41~go to a nude beach! 42~learn to quilt! 43~travel across the country, all summer, attending folk festivals! 44~attend a toastmaster's group! 45~be a nude model for an art class! 46~sing more! 47~swim with dolphins! 48~ride in a glass bottomed boat! 49~be content with myself, just as I am! 50~This is a big one, and writing it down feels very powerful, and pretty scary ~ I've been having this vision, in my head, for a few years now, where I am living, with the love of my life, in a big, beautiful, yellow house. It's a home full of light, love and laughter, where family and friends feel at home. Life is simple and easy, and love flows freely. I'm ready to allow this dream to become a reality. That's my list for now. It feels really awesome to share it with all of you. Thanks for reading. Blessings, Robbin